| points... where? |
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| 02:18pm 30/01/2007 |
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mood:  apathetic
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I don't know the point of.. well, anything actually. It's just lost on me, all of them.
I wake up, I come to work every day, I go home every night; that's my life. I have no idea what I'm diong with people; there's no point in trying to understand them, they're all hopelessly insane and fuck my life up more than it already is. My parents are still insane, my sister's still distant, and I have this unfounded urge to start seeing a therapist again. Which, by the way still makes me giggle, just becuase every time I write "therapist" I'm actually readint "the rapist." Why I find that funny, I'm not sure. That might be one of the reasons why I think I should start seeing one again.
I keep looking around my life going "is this it?" Is it? Do people just suck? Are they completely not worth my time? |
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| silent truths |
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| 11:08am 29/01/2007 |
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mood:  aggravated
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Sometimes.. I just hate dealing with people. Worse, I don't even know how to deal with people.
Lauren is... well, lets be honest; she's gone. I don't know who she is, what she believes or thinks, wants.. I don't know her. My friend is gone. Has been for a long time now, it's just that I'm such a procrastinator that I'm only now getting around to realizing and accepting it. That's just fucking sad.
I love Charliee; no one in the world can doubt that, but I hate some of her friends. Kristen is so fucking annoying I literally can't say it any other way than that. She just is. She came over to the new place last night to visit and it sucked! Part of that was just me not knowing everything, like the fact that she was spending the night. I can handle people in our house, but not people that I dislike; it honestly makes my skin crawl and I got the worst night's sleep ever. Not even void, empty dreams but horrible, angry dreams where I woke up feeling sore all over because I was actually trying to lash out mentally in my dreams and it somehow carried over.
To be honest, and I'm trying, it's not all Kristen. I mean yes, a huge HUGE part of it is Kristen; don't bring up Gia you moron. Charliee hates her and she's not just your ex, she's mine too, so talking about her in front of me is just beyond stupid at this point, you know I don't like her and Charliee hates her guts. More than that, Charliee hates her becuase if me. Not you, not the fact that you were dumb enough to date her; she treated me badly and that's why she hates her. So when she gets mad about Gia and you bringing her to our tattoo place, don't reply with "well you brought so and so here" and start listing her ex's. This is not about you and Gia dating. This is about Gia being a horror of mankind.
Kristen, you're dumb. It's the only way I can say it; you're just dumb. You were stupid enough to sit on our couch and be sad that we wouldn't suddenly like Gia. What were you expecting?
SHE JUST MAKES ME SO MAD!!
And I mad that Charliee brought her into our home without talking to her first! It's great that they're both working on their friendship but Kristen and I didn't say two words to each other; we were both talking to Chariee and that's it; that's awkward and I don't want to be awkward in my own home. In fact, I fucking refuse. You want to sit there and talk around me like I'm not there, you can go sit in Charliee's room or you can get out; I'm on the couch in the shared space of my apartment and as long as I'm not being rude I have every right to be there.
Maybe it's also that I feel a bit like I'm intruding; and again, in my own freakin' house if you need to be alone you can go into Charliee's room, the living room is fair game and I have more right as I live there. I wouldn't feel like I was intruding if I was included, but I wasn't, and on top of that they still touch intimately and tickle each other; get. the. fuck. out. You dated, you decided not to be together, cut that shit off at the knees. It creeps me out, and Charliee and I both know that Kristen has a need to be with someone. She's found her "one true love" Christy, but since Christy hates her (THANK YOU CHRISTY!) she'll just be with anyone.
WHY are you so DUMB?! |
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| An awakening |
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| 08:24am 21/09/2005 |
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mood:  indescribable
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I have such an awareness of late. About myself, the things I need, what's going on... I'm not saying it all makes sense, because it doesn't, but atleast I'm becoming aware. That leads, eventually, to an understanding about myself. And just yesterday, I came to a big understanding.
I'm through with public posts in my journal. I'm through with a computer being passed off as adequite substitution for social interaction. And my friends? What we have now is not friendship. There will be no more reading each other's journals. If you want to know how I'm doing get off you ass, away from your computer, and call me. Lets go out, lets grab some coffee, anything that keeps us in contact. I'm sick of hearing "I read in your journal" or seeing posts that say "who wants to ______ with me..." fill in the blank as you choose. Maybe I would want to spend time with you if I felt we still had a relationship but I don't. I do, however, feel I'm beginning to develope one with both your computer and my own and honestly, it's making me sick.
Livejournal was a convenient stand-in for any type of personalization as far as I can see. The entries? More like mass emails sent out to everyone at once so that someone didn't have to take the time and personalize their news with "So bubblehead, how's it going? This is what's going on in my life..." To top that off, it wasn't even a good stand it. If anything it's only done my harm. I'm not closer to any of my friends because of it, I'm actually more distant. And I realized this because a friend of mine, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) dirtywings13, updated in her journal a day or so ago and I replied.. and then a different friend of hers replied jumping all over me because she doesn't know me and she doesn't know how to take what I said so took it the wrong way, which then I responded to by taking her the wrong way and what's the point? We wound up snarling at each other more than we did commenting to our mutual friend. It just got me thinking. About everything really. About how I don't want my friends to hop onto the internet when they wonder "gee, how's North doing?" It also led to a rather startling realization.
I have issues with every single so-called "friend" in my life except one. Let me give you a hint; if you never call or write me just to chat or find out how my life is going, then I have a problem with you. Because only one friend at this very moment writes me constantly to update and chat. Only she calls me to say "hey, wanna go out to dinner, I miss you." Everyone else who calls themselves my friend... not really. Maybe at one point, sure, but you've begun to let things slide. I mean obviously Lauren is excempt from this because she's not really a "friend" she's more of a "friendsistermotherpuppyentirefamily" person and I have a unique understanding with her.. one that maybe we don't even get but it works. Even more than that, she protects me. She stands up for me. She doesn't put me at the bottom of the list. I can think of several of you that do. Because I put up this front of strength and because I protect you it is automatically assumed that when it comes down to me and one other person you just choose that other person because hey, I'm strong, right? Wrong. And if you seriously thought that was either right or ok, don't even try to fix our friendship. Just walk away from me 'cause I don't need that. My above-mentioned friend has done that before, unintentionally, but we've now talked about it and she's aware. Spork, you've done that to me more than once and I let it slide but what really happened was I screamed on the inside and pulled up my walls to block you out to. Merideth, where the fuck are you? Yes, you're in school but I get no replies to my e-mails, no calls back; what's a girl to do?
I've realized finally just how unacceptable this is. I've always said to my friends "don't thank me because I'm your friend and I do for you. Know you're entitled." Well hell, if you are than I am too and I'm through being the one that cares the most, calls the most, carries the most. I'm going to demand better for myself and if you can't give it to me that's fine, I'll make it on my own and find others who really do care that much. I'm not mad at any of you persay, I'm just sick of all of this and it's not going to continue. Our arrangement might work for you but it certainly doesn't work for me. And now you know. |
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| Work |
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| 10:02am 20/09/2005 |
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mood: aggravated
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Got here this morning in a very good mood. Spent the night at Tim's last night and finally got to see him! It was pretty fantastic. I also got to sleep until 6:45am, got up at 7am, and managed to get to Bensenville in 40 minutes! I can't wait to live in Chicago!! So I'm here, I'm happy... and then I get irked. Why? Because we get pre-notes stating that whenever a certain container comes in we're going to move it from a to b. However, it's not in yet, hence the "pre" part of that note. Then periodically we get notifications for the NS rail letting us know what containers have arrived. I then pull the pre-notes from the pre-note pile, enter them into the system with their LFD and pickup number and tadda, we're reading to go. I then hand them back to Tracy 'cause I'm not yet doing the phone calls or scheduling for the drivers (give me MORE of my job already!) and she goes from there. Her desk is covered in paper 'cause she has so much stuff that she has to hang on to with all of these little sticky notes on them... so whenever I enter something in, I put it in the top bin of her three-stack bins. Which also happens to be where we keep our original pile of pre-notes. So I enter in two pre-notes that have arrived and then place them in her top bin, laying lengthwise instead of widthwise like the unentered pre-notes. And I put them in that location at her request. So today randomly I start getting it "explained" to me that once I enter a pre-note, it doesn't go back into the pre-note pile. Um.. no duh. I'm not a moron, I know that, and I didn't do that ever. Seriously, I'm not so stupid that I'd put it back into the pile after just entering it. So I say "well yea" to Mike and he goes "Don't say 'yea' 'cause you did it." Um.. no. And right before Mike had started talking, Tracy had asked why it was in the pile and I said "oh, well since that's where we decided to put the entered items, they might have just gotten shuffled in with the others." Basically, I was saying 'ya put 'em back but I'm not going to point out that you've just been freaking at me for the last ten minutes for something you yourself did. I'm going to be calm and lets not point fingers at anyone since we know it's you.' and the little lightbulb went on and she said "oh, ok" and we left it at that. Then Mike starts and when he pulls that "no, don't say yea" in a kinda cutting tone she jumps in and goes "no, this is where we put the entered stuff, it probably got shuffled" and everyone shut up. But that doesn't erase the like ten minutes of everyone looking at me and going "you can't do that" and me just looking at them like "are you stupid? I did nothing but what you asked of me." I can't help but be irked that when the light finally goes on for all of them and they go "oh" then everything goes away and I'm sitting here going "no 'oh.'" I did nothing wrong. How about you saying "oopsie, looks like we were wrong to assume you're stupid." But do they? No.
*sigh* That happens everywhere I go though, sadly. As far as I can see, it's just something you have to get used to when being an adult. I don't know why, but since it's not an isolated insodent... I'm either smarter than them, or the world is just fucked. I can't figure out which. Why does no one give me credit for NOT being a moron? |
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| so much |
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| 11:44am 19/09/2005 |
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mood:  busy
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There's so much going on with me, both in my life and in my head. I feel like I'm rushing from one place to the next every moment now. I thought it was just me, spazzing, but it's to the point that last night Amira followed me from room to room and any door between us, including the bathroom door, caused her to howl loudly and continuously until I opened the door and let her in. At first it really freaked me out; I've never heard her make these sounds before. I thought something was really wrong so I wrenched open the door... and she stopped. Closed the door again. "MROOOOERRR!!!" Wrench open the door. Silence. Closed the door a bit while watching her. She ran forward, growling, and dashed into the bathroom with me. Um, ok. Actually no, it's not ok. It's no ok that I've become so busy with everything going on that my kids are missing me so much! I've become one of those scary people that has to say "I'll pencil you in" now! It's gotten so bad that in order to see Tim, for like the first time in forever, I'm going to his house directly from work today to see him, spend the night, then come back to work the following day. I can just bet how much Amira's gonna love that. The last thing I want is for my baby to have seperation anxiety! Damnit!! *shakes fist*
My mom wants to eat a pleasant dinner together after being gone all weekend and I had to schedule that for Tuesday or Wednesday night just to have time to cook her the No-Peak Chicken Tim introduced me to! Thursday's a doctor's appointment... see what I mean? And that's just the physical. I have a zillion things I'm dealing with emotionally, things I don't even have the energy to write down at this moment simply because it saps me so.
How am I finding time to breath? I have no idea. |
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| Yule |
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| 12:06pm 16/09/2005 |
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mood:  jubilant
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I feel so happy, so free when thinking about Yule. To finally be living in an environment where I, we, can celebrate... it almost brings me to tears. I'm reading up on Yule, thinking of all we can do to honor the old traditions. The exchange of coin, the serving of honey and fig... I can't wait. |
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| Hook the coffee IV up to my vein |
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| 10:59am 16/09/2005 |
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mood:  tired
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My parents woke me up last night at TWO FREAKIN’ AM!!! Why? Because they’re taking a weekend drive out to whichever state it is that my mom’s family is in to see all of them. I’m glad they’re going but getting up at two am, just to help them load the car and switch beds so Galen has someone to sleep by, just plain hurts. So I set my alarm and got up, put my glasses on, ran my fingers through my hair and went upstairs… and then my dad goes “Oh, we decided to wait until the morning to go so you can go back to sleep. Your mom's still sleeping."
Are. You. Fucking. Me.
So I laid back down, didn’t fall back asleep until 3:30, got woken up at 4am. Damn. It. Finally got to be a-snooze once more, in my mom’s bed this time with Galen, and got up at 5:30 to find…. They had taken all of the coffee. There was NONE. NONE!!! So I left early, put gasoline in my car, and bought coffee at the gas station. It was the worst coffee I have ever had the misfortune of experiencing. Ever. But between that and doing 70 mph with the window down on my way here I managed to keep myself awake and not die on the road. And hey, it only cost me $2.00 and a possible future cold/ear ache; I think I came out winning in that deal. But still. Guh. So. Tired.
And tonight do I get to go home and sleep? Nope. My friend Sporkie wants to go see the movie “The Exorcism of Emily Rose.” Wheee! No sleep for me. I'm looking forward to the movie because it looks really interesting and spookie but odds are I'm not going to sleep after seeing it.. anything with the word "exorsism" in the title can just about gaurentee that. Then Saturday night is Jenn’s (Chicago-Jenn's) party and that'll go until who knows what hour of the morning; I'm bringing my jammies so I can crash there after all of the drinking that's going to happen.
Seriously, lets hook that coffee up my friend. I'm gonna need it. |
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| flayct |
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| 11:03am 15/09/2005 |
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mood:  happy
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I'm at work, working away. Looked down at my arms... poked it... realized that I'm not happy with it. It's not strong enough. There's alittle too much soft pudge. Gonna have to work on that...
Charliee and I are talking with the breeder at Sweet Genes Rattery and hopefully we'll be able to manage getting a rex hooded and a rex blue dumbo sometime around or after January. ^_^ So cute!
I'm also getting more responsibility at work, more of what I'm actually going to be doing. It's hard to learn a whole new system, which is basically a while new language, so they're easing me in slowly. I love it! Now I'm going to be handling some more of the paperwork, making appointments for Jason, making sure the storage is covered.. it's great!
Still, I'm excited about the end of work today. I'm having dinner with Charliee and we're going to discuss rats and moving out. =0 ) We've started having meetings whenever we can, going out to dinner and chatting. it's fun. It's .. taking charge of our lives. Being a bit more adult. Life is good. |
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| Money learning |
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| 12:35pm 07/09/2005 |
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mood:  thirsty
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You know.. I know I had a good job before. I made decent money and it was fun. Now I'm making even more money than before and I like my co-workers. But I'm working out my budget for moving out and what I thought of before as "sooo" much money really isn't. I mean, it all spends the same. I bring it in to send it right back out in the form of rent, bills, debt, etc. Granted, by the beginning of December I'll have most of my bills atleast caught up with, if not paid off completely. But still. You'd think I made a lot, ya know? And for a 21 year old I do, I know it. But when you convert it all into the world of "adult money" it's really not that much.. Wow. |
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| Star Gaze |
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| 08:46am 06/09/2005 |
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mood: cheerful
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My first gay club ever and It. Was. AWESOME! Fabulous music, fabulous ladies, a fabulous time! It wasn't exactly a "club" and it wasn't exactly a "bar" either, it was a refreshing mix of the two. In one room you had a bar area, a pool table, some chairs and tables to sit at, and you could hear the music well. If you went through the doorway you were then in the dance/club room that was mostly the dance floor with louder music and a few random tables and chairs on this small raised area. Wonderful!
Even more, I feel like I got to spend time in Mari's personal space without her freaking out. Charliee and Lina went out to dance on the floor and Mari and I sat at the table in comfortable companionship, aternately yelling to each other how much we thought Charliee and Lina should just get together already. Very cute! ^_^ Or course, while everyone was boozin' it up I got myself a sugar craving for some twinkies so their alcoholic fun was my sugar fun. =0 ) It was great. |
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| 08:43am 05/09/2005 |
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mood:  relieved
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WE FOUND MY GRANDMA!!!!
Last night one of my mom's relatives was watching tv and there she was! She was still in New Orleans! Apparently she wasn't at the hospital like she said she was so she was never evacuated! She's been in her house this whole week with no electricity or anything!! So she walked down the street to a store and got some more food and lucky for us all there were people taping it. She said she was fine with food but she was beginning to run out of insulin. So Nicole drove all night and somehow got her!! ^_^ SHE'S SAFE AND OK!!
Thank the Goddess that my family came through safe and we managed to find everyone scattered across the states. |
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| coffee-black and egg-white |
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| 07:50am 02/09/2005 |
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mood:  good
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Normally I'm this happy, bouncy person at work. I admit it; I'm a morning person. Today though I think it's going to be more of a soft, quiet, introspective day. I popped an old cd in while I was driving to work today and it's actually a cd Christina made for me ages ago. A ways into the cd is the song "color blind" by Counting Crows and I was just.. I was amazed at this song today. I know I feel my emotions through music a majority of the time and I never got to really appreciate this song in a healthy way. I was listening to my emotions as I sang along to this song and I felt wistful, sorrow, and defeat cloaked in acceptance. Before, when I listened to that song, I couldn't acknowledge that that's what I took from that song. I wasn't healthy enough to just "feel" all of that, I would become completely overwhelmed by it. I would just get really quiet and sad and I couldn't tell you why, I couldn't break it down, I was just crushed by this wave of... everything. It was debilitating to completely drown in it. Now, it's different. These feelings are a large part of who I was and a smaller, more managable part of who I still am. So now instead of this horrible cry from within that sends my system into shock I just here a soft whimper and a whispered "that's who I was. Don't forget me." And it's good. It's good to hear this and to not want to cry but to just feel like a normal, healthy person. To be able to experience it without shutting down from an overload. And to still be happy, even when I'm feeling this. It no longer wipes out my other emotions. I'm still myself, I can still look at things and be happy. Right now I'm just.. calm. Reminicent. Feeling.
"Color Blind" by Counting Crows
I am color... blind...
Coffee-black and egg-white...
Pull me out from inside...
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am...
Taffy stuck and tongue tied...
Stutter shook and uptight...
Pull me out from inside....
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready I am...
Fine....
I am covered in skin...
No one gets to come in...
Pull me out from inside...
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding, I am...
Colorblind...
Coffee-black and egg-white...
Pull me out from inside...
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready I am...
Fine. |
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| New decisions |
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| 08:45am 01/09/2005 |
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mood: cheerful
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So yesterday I got a text via my phone from Charliee inviting me to a gay club called Berlin for lesbian night. Naturally I replied with "and you expected me to say no? See ya when I get off work." So I went over to her place, I arrived at 5:30pm. It takes a half an hour from work to Chicago; I love it! And there is one, count them, ONE 80 cent toll between here and Chicago! But that's beside the point; I got their early, she didnt' get off until 6, I sat in the grass until she called me to tell me she was off of work and would I mind coming to get her. Of course not, but I had no idea where her Starbucks was. So I asked the nearest passer-by, who happened to have a heavy accent and not understand english too well, and I got directions. It took over an hour but I finally got there and picked her up. I missed her so much!! Well, five minutes into the ride back to her place we decided not to go to Berlin because we needed to catch up on so much that a loud bar just wasn't going to be the right atmosphere for that. So we're chatting like little squirrels to each other, chitter chitter, chatter chatter, and I tell her about Stacy... and she KNOWS HER! They met online a while back but didn't really 'click' so never met in person. I guess their really is six degrees of seperation within the lesbian community! ^_^ So it made it so much easier to talk about Stacy and have her understand what I see in her. So we're talking and talking and not really paying attention to where we're driving so of course we get lost trying to get her home.. we got to her place at 8:30. Really. But you know what? It was fantastic! We've decided to be roommates! I'm going to be moving out in 2 1/2 to 3 months and we're going to live together!!!
But work is starting. ^_^ Update more later. |
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| Feelings |
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| 02:06pm 30/08/2005 |
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mood:  surprised
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It's wierd, this fluttering in my tummy. This happy-go-lucky feeling and loss of breath. Honestly, it's because of Stacy, I know it. There are all of these... butterflies.
I haven't felt this way in a long time. I feel stunned, honestly, like I wasn't looking and accidently walked into a wall. That's really how I feel. I want to call her almost uncontrolably, I want to see her again... it's nuts to crave being with someone I've met once. Greanted, it was for seven hours... ^_^
*smacks self out of daze*
Am I missing a step? Or, more likely, five? Normally I know that there's a possibility of a crush but it takes more than a day. We get to know each other, things grow... in a day we were joking like children and she was FEEDING ME from her chopsticks! When do I do that at a first meeting??? When am I that comfortable??! And now I just want to be near her, want to hear her talk.
Seriously, who hit me between the eyes while I wasn't looking? And what do I do now? Again; normally I can say "I like you" but I don't want to freak her out or scare her off.
....holy crap, I'm in love.
WHAT?! |
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| Hurricane Katrina |
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| 09:41am 30/08/2005 |
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Still no updates from New Orleans. We wont know anything until the power's back up and who knows when that'll be... my mom and I are both beyond biting our nails at this point; We're now to biting our wrists. At this point I'm just glad I work days so that I'm not sitting at home driving myself nuts with nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs. Yay for work! I truly do love this job.
So now I'm at work, updating my journal in the downtime. It's been a fairly productive morning and I'm happy. ^_^ Granted, I've made some mistakes but.. all ya can do is learn from it. |
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| There's Adventure afoot! |
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| 09:43am 29/08/2005 |
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Yesterday I drove down to Evanston to meet my friend Stacy for some adventure. Literally, we had no idea what we were going to do, we were just going to get together and walk around Evanston. Little did we know that the adventure would begin long before we actually met.
I had no address for the trainstation she was coming through so I yahoo-mapped my way to the center of Evanston which took me in such a round-about way that I wound up going through Chicago before even coming close to Evanston. I got lost in chicago not once but twice and finally found my way to the cusp of Evanston. Then I started stopping everywhere I could in the hopes of finding Davis street, which Stacy had informed me was where she was while I was on my way through Chicago. Gotta love cellphones. Really. It's the only thing that saved me; everyone I asked pointed me in a different direction. As I'm crawling along the residential streets, getting honked at like there's no tomorrow, I get another call from Stacy. She's at the trainstation in Evanston wondering where I am since it's 10am, our agreed upon meeting time. Through my uncontrollable hysterical laughing I explained that I definately wasn't in Kansas anymore and she walked herself over to the Borders in Evanston, sat down in the map section, and proceeded to guide me to her.. for an hour. I kid you not.
Finally though I did make it and it was well worth the effort. It was fantastic! She's this quirky, spunky girl that I just adore! Walking into Borders to meet her, still talking on the cellphone to her, I ask where the maps are and she goes "I can see you." So I'm spinning around searching for a girl with a cellphone to her ear and finally she says "look under the stairs" and there she is, peeking over a bookshelf at me. ^_^ So adorible! So we hugged hello, tackled the task of folding up the map that had saved me, and then we hopped, skipped, and jumped outside to go exploring. We walked around until we found a Noodles & Company restaurant and we got some soup. She taught me how to use chopsticks. =0 ) I never knew I could. There were a few noodles though that were getting away from me and so she grabbed them for me with her chopsticks and actually fed them to me. It was fun and comfortable and it gave me little flutters in my tummy all at the same time.
After eating we scamped outside and she suggested finding a theater to see the movie "The Brother's Grimm." As luck would have it, there was a Century Theature right across from Borders so we ran over and bought tickets. We were a half an hour early for the show she we got mini cups of ice cream and played Gin with Carebear cards until it was time to find seats. The movie was a very interesting blend of scary, funny, and just odd. Overall I liked it but there were a few instances where they were mean to animals in it that freaked me out and upset me. But as I said; an overall thumbs up. From there we ran to Borders to buy maps, because we all know I need one, and then we drove to Lake Forest where Stacy's living. She goes to college there so we arrived there and she decided she was hungry. So we hit Olive Garden for some pasta and then back to her campus for me to grab my car and head home. Granted, what I'm writing actually spanned over a seven hour period and there are a lot of little details that I don't even know how to sum up. But the day had to draw to a close eventually, which it did, and so we hugged our goodbyes. It was a very safe, distanced hug that clearly stated "I just met you today." Stacy would have none of that. She threw her arms out and demanded a "real" hug stating that I could "do better than that." So I did; I wrapped my arms around her and squeeeeezed. ^_^ It was a fabulous day!! As I was walking to my car she called out "I had a great time!" and I replied with "So did I!" and she said "You'd better not be lying!" I really like spending time with this girl. =0 ) So of course I told her we'll have to do it again. Hopefully soon.
And that was yesterday. The only downpoint was coming home to listen about Hurricaine Katrina hitting New Orleans today. My Unkie Paul and Aunt Barbara got out safely with Sophia, John and Jen's baby. Nicole and Chuck got out with their baby Christina. However, Grandma Sissi is still in New Orleans as is John and Jen. I'm worried about them and don't found out anything until I go home today... it's making my day drag and my tummy hurts with worry. Roar. |
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| 10:57am 27/08/2005 |
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mood:  drained
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I think in most familial relationships there's a small amount of hate there. Between your dad or mom and yourself you love them lets say... 80% of the time, you hate them 10% of the time, and then there's that other 10% that goes to liking or disliking them.
I realized yesterday that I genuinely do hate my parents. My mother, to be specific. I'm so angry at her and it's different with my dad because my dad and I fight so that anger had an out, a release. With my mom.. nothing. And I guess I thought I was supposed to love them, I do love them, but only about 15% of the time. I hate them 75% of the time.. maybe it's closer to 80% of the time. And then there's that extra that goes to seeing them as seperate people, not as "my parents" and then they're ok. Maybe they were just never meant to be parents at all.
It's just so weird to realize how much I hate my mom. For a long long time, most of my life actually, I always said "she's the nice one." But she's really not. In my mind, she's worse that my dad. Because with my dad, I knew where I stood. He was a bastard, he hurt me, and that was that. My mom was supposed to be this nice, caring person, but she didn't protect me. She didn't stick up for me or anything. She always sided with my dad. Always set double standards. "It's ok for you dad to be a complete ass and not help out at all but you have to be nice and do everything." Why? What's with the different standards? We're both people; if you're going to yell at me then yell at him too! But she never did.
So last night my mom and I had a bit of a blow-out. Which is what brought this all to my attention. She was saying something, I don't remember what, and all I could think was "... I hate you..." and I realized that I really, truly, meant it. As a mom, she's horrible. A mom should protect her children. She always chose dad over me. Hell, she always chose Biscuit, our dog, over me. And I realized that with my dad, my anger has somewhere to go but with my mom it's all just deep inside of me. And that there's somewhere really dark within me that hopes that one day.. that stupid "spart" within her that allows her to be oblivious and live in a 'happy' world and not see everything around her.. somewhere within me I hope that one day that spark is extinguished. That one day she'll actually see all of the bad crap around her, like she should have done while I was growing up, and maybe she'll actually do something about it. Or maybe she wont; maybe she wont be able to cope with it and she'll... I don't know. Go crazy. But I hate that spark that shields her. That let her not see me my entire childhood, let her not see how I was treated.
And now, after all of this, I have to spend the day with her and make nice as we visit my sister. And maybe I'll still say "Mom" to the world but in my head now I'm saying "Shona." Because she's not a mom. She's not my mom. She's just an imperfect person. |
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| Livin' the life |
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| 08:57pm 24/08/2005 |
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mood: accomplished
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I love my new job. The people are great, it's a relaxed atmosphere where we can joke and talk randomly at no one in particular, I get to listen to music and talk on the phone during my commute, I get to relax during out down periods, I'm making a good living... it's fantastic! Today was my third day and for the first two I didn't really have any supplies. I had the basics; pens, paper, a crappy little chair that made me feel like a child and squeeked every time I moved... so today I went in to the same setting and around noon Joe (my main boss) showed up with a brand new chair that he personally assembled for me, a desk organizer, a new stapler and tape dispencer, and he told me that I'm allowed to put anything I want on my desk, be it flowers, pictures, or whatever. So yay! He even bought a little rug to go under my chair and desk so that I'm not sliding on the hard floor. It's so nice!!! Everyone there is super nice and really funny. We're all really nice on the phone but once someone hangs up you can usually hear them grumbling about whatever just happened on the call. It's a hoot!
For this job I'm supposed to work 8:30-5:00pm every day, as I'm sallaried (YAY!). Well, because my commute is about an hour one way if I leave at 6:30, which makes me arrive at 7:30, I've been early by an hour every day so far. But if I leave later, say at like 6:45 or 7:00am, the traffic is definately worse and there's no telling how long that'll delay me. I'd rather be early and really awake than late. So this weekend my dad and I are going to drive around Bensenville looking for a nice breakfast place where I can read and drink coffee until atleast 8am, possibly 8:15, every morning. Ah, but I'm digressing. So I was an hour early today, as usual so far, and I worked my normal shift, talking with Joe, Jason, Mike, and Tracy throughout the day. I learned new things, got confused, laughed... it was great. I actually got to leave at 4:45 today because things slowed down enough and Jason gave me the clear to head home. Did I go home though? Nope. Instead I drove to Panara Bread, once I got near Joliet and got off the expressway that is, and I picked up a sammich for myself and three I.C. Mochas for me, Monica, and Kira at ACP. Then I stopped at ACP, we drank our icy beverages, chatted, and I helped with some filing and training Kira a bit more. No, I don't work there anymore. I just can't seem to help myself. ^_^ And they don't mind. Kira and Monica don't know how to blow images up on the copier anyway, so I wrote them step by step instructions and walked Kira through it personally. I didn't get home until 8pm, at which point I plopped myself into a comfy recliner and watched a few episodes of Will & Grace. And now I'm here, getting ready for bed. Well, I was. Now it turns out Tim's taking a ride out to me to exchange my tape I loaned him for the book I bought him. =0 ) I love my life. Night all! |
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| Update |
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| 09:17pm 21/08/2005 |
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My parents got married yesterday. On my last day of work at ACP. It was an overload. I'm still not dealing with all of the shit that's stirred up.
Tomorrow I start my new job. I'm getting up at 5am to make sure I have everything I need, I make a lunch, re-check my directions, have toll money, etc. I'm excited and nervous and can't seem to move my mind beyond the mental image of the new pair of jeans I got today to ware to said job tomorrow. Jeans and a new shirt; hurah! I can understand now why people become reluctant to switch jobs after having the same one for years (ex: my mother). It is just now sinking in that I'm going from a job I knew like the back of my hand to something completely new that I have no experience in or idea on the workings of. Wierdly enough, I'm not overly nervous. A healthy dose, sure, but behind that emotion I've just decided that I'm going to do this and do this well so I can move the hell out and pay off my bills. Nothing can stand in the way of my determination to leave this house and get my own life started. Nothing. |
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